Divorce

Resources:

The ideas of this article are based on the Scriptures with insights from the books and articles cited above with additional commentary from RCC pastors.

There are a wide range of views from Bible-believing Christians:

The elders of RCC take this seriously. Marriage can be incredibly complex. Sexual immorality can apply to a variety of situations. Abusers are masters of manipulation. We stand in fear of God knowing that we must not encourage someone to do something that God forbids, but we also must not forbid someone from doing something that God allows.

James says, “Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment” (James 3:1). Jesus says, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matthew 18:6).

The elders of RCC submit our shepherding under the Word of God. We trust his Word above all else and believe that we can only handle it rightly when we love God with our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and when we love our neighbor as ourselves. If we try to apply God’s Word without love, then we will move into serious error.

Jesus, Paul, and the Old Testament:

In Deuteronomy 24:1, Moses begins a teaching on divorce, “When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he [can] write her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house…” 

In the centuries that followed, various rabbis argued about what it might mean to “find some indecency in her” or as other English translations say “for a cause of sexual immorality.” Over time, this led to Hillelite rabbis advocating for “any cause” divorces while Shammaite rabbis taught that Deuteronomy 24 intended divorce is allowed only for “a cause of sexual immorality.” Unfortunately, over time, the Hillelite teaching became the popular opinion, especially during the time of Jesus’s earthly ministry and “any cause” divorce became normative. In Matthew 19, the Pharisees went to Jesus to ask him about his views on this passage, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for ‘any cause’?” They are asking Jesus if he agrees or disagrees with the Hillel position of “any cause” divorce. Instead, Jesus agrees with the Shammaites that Moses did not mean “any cause” but was giving an allowance of divorce only for sexual immorality. Jesus was responding to Deuteronomy 24. The context of Matthew 19 was not a complete systematic theology on divorce and remarriage. If we do not understand this background, it could lead us to assume that Jesus is saying that there is only one allowance for divorce which is sexual immorality. If this were the case, then it would have been wrong for the Apostle Paul to contradict Jesus and teach that you can file for divorce due to abandonment.

In Exodus 21:10-11, Moses taught the people, “If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, or her marital rights. And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.” What is Moses saying here? He’s saying that a wife has grounds for divorce if her husband willfully withholds food, clothing, and marital rights. We could have unending legalistic conversations about the details of this command, but for our purposes, we want to notice the heart of the command. A spouse must offer basic care for his or her spouse if it is in his power, and Moses taught that a refusal to do so would be grounds to pursue a divorce. Just as every other allowance for divorce, this inaction to love will be marked by a hard-hearted lack of repentance.

In 1 Corinthians 7, the Apostle Paul reiterates that a spouse should not deprive his/her spouse sexually, that their bodies belong to their wife/husband and that a spouse must be “anxious about worldly things, how to please their husband/wife.” Paul takes the negative examples of Exodus 21 (not providing basic care) and turns it into a positive encouragement on how to be careful to offer care to a spouse. 

Writing to the Corinthians, Paul gives a specific example of an unbelieving husband abandoning a believing wife. Paul writes that if it is truly abandonment, then she is not enslaved to this marriage but is free to remarry. It seems that this abandonment scenario fits into the same mindset of Exodus 21, that a wife is not bound in marriage if her husband refuses to offer basic love and care.

Paul writes, “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace (1 Co 7:15).”

“In such cases” is an unusual phrase that is not used anywhere else in the New Testament. It is used in Greek literature and has the meaning of other situations that are similar but not necessarily the exact same. Therefore, we can conclude that Paul intended to convey, “In this case and other similarly destructive situations, the brother or sister is not enslaved.”

When we consider Exodus 21 and this understanding of “in such cases,” it broadens our understanding of divorce applying to various destructive, hard-hearted, ongoing, complicated situations.

Grudem offers a potential list of situations that may fit the description of “such as these…”:

Understanding Abuse:

When we consider abuse in marriage, it’s important to address it as an abuse problem rather than a marriage problem so that we don’t perpetuate the ongoing harm in the marriage. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to identify oppression in a marriage.

“Abuse, broadly defined, is an improper and harmful treatment of one person by another. Abuse can also be described as a pattern of coercive control, which typically involves diminishing the other person…abusive actions and words typically come from fleshly hearts that are ruled by obsessive desires to control. (Newheiser)”

Oppressors abuse their spouses in secret, and sufferers don’t always know how to safely reveal what is really going on. Oftentimes, the oppressor does not even consider it as abuse. With abuse, there are patterns of punishment and imbalance in the marriage. Oppressors are not grieved by their own sins and are not genuinely committed to changing their attitudes or behaviors. For those oppressed, they must go along with the endless demands and whims of their oppressors. Especially for a wife, when she refuses to go along with her husband’s abusive demands, the husband (and sometimes the church community) will accuse her of an unsubmissive attitude. 

Darby Strickland lays out seven common traits of oppressors: 

As pastors, our goal with an abusive spouse is to address these seven traits in order to prevent ongoing abuse and to help them experience repentance and spiritual transformation. 

For the one oppressed, we must always keep their safety in mind throughout any process of counseling.

Emotional Abuse:

One form of abuse that is more subtle and hard to identify is emotional abuse. All marriages have conflict and emotional problems, so at what point should it be considered abuse? 

“Emotional abuse…is a pattern of behavior that promotes a destructive sense of fear, obligation, shame, or guilt in a victim. Emotionally oppressive people seek to dominate their spouses, and they do so by employing a variety of tactics. They may neglect, frighten, isolate, belittle, exploit, play mind games with, lie to, blame, shame, or threaten their spouses. Their behavior is driven by the same root of self-worship and entitlement that drives other forms of abuse. Oppressors seek to control others for their own gain and comfort; emotionally abusive behavior says, ‘You do not matter to me - you are something for me to use.’ It demands. It mocks. It does not love. (Strickland)”

Oppressors use their words to snare their spouses. They use words that reject, degrade, terrorize, isolate, exploit, accuse, oppose, deflect, or belittle.

Finally, emotional abusers will nearly always be marked by blame-shifting. Almost everyone walking through emotional abuse is struggling with confusion due to their oppressive spouse creating uncertainty about who is really to blame. Oppressors are masters at acting like the victims where the abused is not only harmed but then is made to believe that she is the one at fault.

Because emotional abuse is manipulative, it is important to analyze the patterns of thinking and behavior when their sin is exposed. Oftentimes, abusers will admit their guilt and even apologize out of manipulation rather than genuine repentance.

We must challenge people to love their difficult spouses, but we also need to come alongside oppressed spouses who are enslaved to an abusive spouse. It takes much time and discernment to know which type of problems are occurring.

There is a level of ongoing abuse that is similarly destructive to sexual immorality or abandonment. You could even argue that abuse is a form of abandonment in certain situations. However, there’s a difference between someone belittling you, apologizing, and seeking to walk in repentance or a spouse who belittles you continually, blames you for it, and walks in hypocrisy. It takes incredible discernment to identify subtle but similarly devastating forms of abuse.

Reconciliation or Divorce?:

God designed marriage to be a lifelong covenant and Jesus affirmed the teaching that “what God has joined together, let no man separate.” Divorce must not be taken lightly. This means that we should never encourage unbiblical divorces even if someone feels incredibly unhappy or discontent in their marriage. This has become a growing problem in the Church. “Due to our increasingly therapeutic culture and its expansive definitions of “abuse,” the pendulum has swung in our day from protecting marriage at the expense of not protecting victims of abuse to protecting alleged victims at the expense of not adequately protecting marriage. As a result, some unhappy spouses give up on their marriages too easily and divorce without biblical grounds. (Newheiser)” 

However, it’s clear that divorce is allowable in certain situations.

For many spouses who have grounds for divorce, the question becomes, “Should I reconcile, or should I divorce? A helpful comment from Jesus is that God allows divorce due to hardheartedness. This means that while there are grounds for divorce due to the aforementioned actions, forgiveness is the primary goal, especially for a spouse who exhibits true signs of repentance but divorce may become the only option due to hard-heartedness.

It takes discernment to determine whether a spouse is repentant or hard-hearted. “Only the Lord really knows the heart; as Jesus said, evil comes from within and loves the dark. We cannot leave it up to a minister or a church leadership team to decide when a marriage ends; it is up to the individual victim, in prayer before the Lord. Only they and the Lord know what their life is really like. Only they know if their partner has expressed repentance, and only they will have to live with the consequences of the decision. (Instone-Brewer)”

There is obvious hard-heartedness. There is concealed hard-heartedness. This person will admit their wrongdoing and will say sorry, but this is simply worldly sorrow and the same sinful and destructive patterns remain. Lastly, there is genuine repentance. This does not look like perfection, but it looks like someone who truly feels sorry for their sin and is showing real signs of spiritual and behavioral transformation.

“Worldly sorrow is self-focused and hates the consequences of sin…godly sorrow is focused on God and others and hates the sin itself. Worldly sorrow seeks to shift blame and resist accountability. Godly sorrow fully accepts responsibility and welcomes accountability. Worldly sorrow is impatient - demanding to be trusted and restored immediately. True repentance is patient and understanding if the innocent party needs time to grant full forgiveness. (Newheiser)”

If the offending spouse continues to walk in hard-hearted sin, then there is mercy and compassion from God for the oppressed spouse to pursue a divorce. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes about a spouse not being trapped or enslaved in an abandoned marriage. “Paul implies that forbidding a deserted spouse to be divorced would be akin to trapping that spouse in slavery. But God does not require his children to live for their entire lives in a slavelike situation. (Grudem, Divorce and Remarriage)”

Practical Application at Resaca City Church:

1. If we have too simplistic an understanding of separation and divorce, we might participate in shaming a spouse into staying into an enslaving, destructive situation. We need to be willing to spend time and energy to get into the mess of each situation to make sure that we protect anyone who may be oppressed.

2. Our first goal is always reconciliation and restoration of the marriage. This journey of pursuing this must be handled with great care and looks different in every situation.

3. Divorce may be allowable in situations of unrepentant sexual immorality, abandonment, a refusal to offer basic care, or other extreme situations like these.

4. The elders encourage reconciliation in any situation if there is repentance from the offending spouse.

5. The elders are not opposed to divorce if it is allowable according to Scripture and there appears to be hard-heartedness from the offending spouse.

6. The elders are not “in charge” of these situations. Our calling is to shepherd, teach, pray for, counsel, encourage, warn, and help people to submit their lives to Jesus. 

7. Matthew 18:15-20 gives us a model to sacrifice time and energy to enter into the mess of complicated situations. We must patiently listen, love, teach, and admonish. Excommunication is not handed out as a punishment for sin, but it is a last resort for unrepentant sinners continuing in their sin and hurting the purity and unity of the church. The three main types of examples in the New Testament are a divisive person who continues to be divisive, a teacher who continues to teach false doctrine after being warned, and a person who continues to live in ongoing sexual immorality. 

8. Sometimes it’s not clear if the situation fits under the description of “such as these.” Oftentimes, there is hypocrisy, deception, and skewed perspectives. After hours of interactions and conversations, patterns are often seen, but sometimes it still is not a fully black-and-white decision. In these times, the elders withhold judgment on whether or not the divorce is allowable or not while continuing to charge both spouses to trust Jesus and submit their entire lives to him and the Word of God.